Vetting Tips for Online Dating Profiles: Online dating strategy to find a HVM

[Princess]

Vetting Tips for Online Dating Profiles: Online dating strategy to find a HVM

Inspired from the daily discussion I figured I would do an entire write up on it. It took me a lot of trial and tribulation to come to this list but it works based on my experience and experience of other women in my life who have employed this and seen success. Remember be ruthless in your evaluation of men.

Here's what I used and I've met a (seemingly) HVM online:

Pictures:

• no shirtless gym/mirror pictures
• no pictures with other women
  • Unless it's clearly family or a large gathering of mixed gender friends, men that were trying to look like players in online dating were an automatic no to me
• no pictures with guns
• no pictures with fish/dead animals
• no selfies
  • to me selfies indicated vanity and lack of going out and doing things with friends
• had to have at least 3 pictures
  • gives a good example of what he looks like and shows he put a modicum of effort into his profile
• Clothing had to match the kind of man I was looking for
  • I was looking for a mature man who leans more conservatively, I would evaluate men based off of pictures as much as possible. For example graphic t-shirts/gaming t-shirts were a no to me because it indicated childishness which I was not looking for.

Bio

• no grammar errors
• no spelling mistakes
• no list of desires in a woman
• no sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted lines in profile
• no empty bio - indicates a total lack of effort

Physical traits

• reasonably good shape
  • I didn't care if it's more runner shape or bodybuilder but I'm active and expect the same of my partners
• good hygiene
  • pictures had to indicate the man was capable of basic hygiene and looks like he takes care of himself
• clear skin, good teeth, natural hair color, short hair
  • All of the above were personal preferences

Messaging on the app

• Anything sexual - unmatch
• I asked basic questions immediately (education, was he employed, does he want marriage/kids in the future)
  • Anything that was not the answer I was looking for - unmatch
• If the opener was demeaning or degrading - unmatch
• The man did not send an opening message in 48 hours - unmatch
  • I never sent the opening message
• If conversation fizzled I would not reply, if he wanted to talk to me he would have to come up with additional conversation topics and reach back out if he could go longer than 48 hours without talking to me I would unmatch
• Neediness/excessive questioning, excessive messaging without escalation on your end - unmatch
• Takes longer than 24 hours to reply to a question/text - unmatch
• Takes longer than 1 week to ask on a dinner date - unmatch
  • I did not push for the man to ask me out, he had to take the initiative, and the first invite had to be out to dinner. If they asked for drinks or something low effort I would unmatch. It was not worth my time to explain why the date was low value if that's how he wanted to start off with me I simply removed him from the dating prospects because he was not worth my time.

The first date

• Planned and initiated by the man
  • Put no effort into planning or initiating the date, it's all on him. If he's unable to do that toss him back in the dating pool where he belongs.
• Travels to you/your area for the date without complaints or asking to meet halfway
• Must be dressed date appropriate
  • I was looking for a man who would put effort into his appearance and dressed date appropriate. It indicates he takes you seriously and thinks you are worth the effort to dress nicely. Slovenly/unkempt or clothes that do not fit the atmosphere were an instant no.
  • Did he put effort in? Cologne, brushed hair etc anything less than this was grounds for termination.
• Gestures of respect/consideration
  • I looked for gestures of respect/consideration from any man I went out with such as:
    • Opening the door for me
    • Pulling out my chair
    • Sharing any split food - if a shared bread appetizer comes out does he take the last piece or does he leave it for you?
    • Does he order your food for you? - unmatch, this to me was indicative of controlling behavior and was not something I wanted
    • Pay attention to how he treats the waiter/waitress if he is rude to them it's a no go
    • If he played on his phone, watched TV if there was one in the restaurant, or did anything that indicated I had less than his full attention unmatch
• No excessive drinking/smoking - these were personal deal breakers
• Trying to advance anything physically before I indicated it was okay - unmatch
• Ask your deal breaker questions
  • I'm not one for bullshit or wasting my time so I asked any deal breaker questions I had on the first date. I didn't treat it like an interrogation but I did ask the questions that were immediate deal breakers such as:
    • Does he see himself getting married
    • Does he want kids
    • What is his educational background
    • What kind of career does he have
    • How does he feel about drugs/alcohol
    • What does he want off online dating - any kind of "just casual" or "seeing where it goes" was a no for me. They didn't have to tell me they wanted *me* to be their girlfriend/wife etc but just that they were relationship minded.
• Pays for the date
  • Any hemming and hawing, any indication he expects you to take the check - unmatch
    • I make good money and can more than cover myself but for me it was about the gesture and indication he thinks I am worth the effort.
• Had to send a follow up "I had a good time and would like to see you again" text within 2 hours
  • As far as I was concerned if he was into me he'd let me know immediately, any man who had not followed that parameter ultimately ended up not being that into me and wasting my time.
• Had to plan and solidify another date within 48 hours
• Friday night/Saturday night dates only
  • I considered this to be "prime" dating time anything less than indicated he had better options and was not prioritizing me or putting in the effort I expect.

Other

• I brought anyone I'd been on more than 2 dates with around my friends/family by the 3 date. I wanted the people in my life to be able to evaluate him without me being attached so I could annex him quickly and easily if they saw something I didn't. Any man who was too scared to do that was tossed.
• I expected to be taken out at least once a week with all planning/effort by the man.
  • All dates had to be dinner dates or something comparable no "netflix and chill"
• He is always expected to pay.
• Always stay on your guard and evaluate for gestures of consideration/respect/thoughtfulness
  • The devil is in the details, it's the small things: opening car doors, bringing you flowers, remembering what you said in previous conversations etc
• Don't be scared to ask the hard questions if he balks or gives the wrong answer you're able to eliminate him and move on to the next quicker.
  • I joked with my current boyfriend that it would be "like a job interview" and to come prepared with his big "3 questions" to ask me as well, it made it light hearted but we asked each other some very tough questions right off the bat
• Pay attention to how he is with money and his views on money.
  • I wanted a financially generous man, any indication that he'd be less than completely giving with me was a hard pass, same with fiscal responsibility.
• Take advantage of social media evaluate his online presence to learn more about him
• No physical escalation unless I indicated it was okay
  • If it appeared he was just trying to "get some" it was a no.
• Consistent contact initiated by him
  • If he could go more than 48 hours without talking to me - unmatch

I'll add more as I think of it. I hope it helps some of you ladies navigate the OLD world. It can be a total shit show but there are absolutely gems out there.

 

[Princess]

Thanks for putting this together! - do you have tips for making a profile too? I don't have much success with OLD and figure it must be something profile-related I'm doing wrong.

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Yes! I know the list of requirements for a man seem long and could be hypocritical if you aren’t of the same quality. I put a lot of focus into myself and leveling myself up.

Basic things to do before online dating are: eat healthy, be in a good mental state (attend therapy if you have any lingering things to work through), be in good shape, and figure out your grooming routine.

I understand initially the game is rigged so I cultivated an image that would present a certain way. We don’t get to pick the game but we do have to play it.

For my profile my first two photos were a full body pictures of myself. I tried to clearly reflect my standards of dress and what I typically look like along with my hobbies. I had:

-full body picture dressed in daily attire -picture in gym clothes/active mode (rock climbing, hiking etc just something that showed I value my active time) -two pictures with friends -picture with my family -another closer headshot/face photo

None of my pictures were filtered or heavily edited. I look exactly like my photos and I know this because I’ve had men approach me in the gym to ask me out saying they’d seen my OLD.

None of my photos were selfies, none of them showed excess skin. You could get a good idea of what I looked like and my personality from photos alone. I also filled out my bio and included my education and interests.

If you have any more questions feel free to reach out! Online dating is brutal. The best thing you can do is arm yourself with knowledge and learn the game.

___

Absolutely!!! A lot of the criteria is strict but like you stated it helped me weed through the massive amount of

I’d rather X some sooner vs later because like you said there are so many time wasters. I think 50 first dates is completely reasonable to find a quality man. It’s a lot of trash on OLD.

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Had to send a follow up "I had a good time and would like to see you again" text within 2 hours

Personally, i find this too strict, i would give 24 hours for them to text me or at least 12 because 2 hours seems too short but if it works for you then it works.

Answer to that^:


I had a pretty stringent set of criteria which comes from my experience on OLD along with my friends experiences. In this day and age everyone uses their phone, it takes a man <1 minute to send “I had a great time I want to see you again.”

Every guy I’ve gone out with who was incapable of meeting this criteria ended up wasting my time or was looking for something casual. I would rather churn and burn through men to find high value ones than waste a second too long on a LVM hence the rigid criteria.
___


Hey, I know I'm writing this a bit late but your guide is handy and well written, thanks for writing it up it for us.

I was just wondering, do you have any tips on writing a bio on OLD which weeds out LVM? I struggle most with writing my own bio but I feel at times I should be outlining what I expect from a man, however I don't want to come across as pushy? Or should I not care and assume if anyone takes me as being pushy that they're NV/LV?

Like is listing my deal - breakers on my bio too harsh?

Just seems sometimes a good bio can alter who wants to match with you, obviously I'm aware that a lot of men just swipe right on everyone, but I do believe a well written bio could weed out some of them, I just struggle to put it together without sounding cold?

Maybe I just shouldn't care about sounding cold or pushy, I'm trying to work on my own self validation as I have always been a people pleaser but at the expense of my own health/ comfort/ life, this sub is helping me turn it around.

I was also growing attached to men way too quickly but I'm learning that they just aren't worth it and doubts and red flags aren't worth 'working on'. Anyway I've went a bit off topic haha but any tips for writing a bio would be helpful, if you have any.

Answer:


You’re welcome sis! I came to these conclusions after weeding through a lot of trash.

As far as bios go I didn’t put a list of what I wanted in a man. I wrote a bio that clearly articulated who I was.

Just like with men I thought a list of “no hookups, no drugs etc” made it seem like I was attracting that. I think if you follow FDS you can weed through that stuff quickly without stating it in your bio.

I put my graduate degree in a tough STEM field on it and didn’t try to hide the fact I’m intelligent. It was playful while outlining who I am. I did have a line on there along the vein of: “just looking for a long term lifting and adventure buddy ”

Comments:


It’s tailor able to what you as an individual want. I like clear interest from the beginning my guy had a pretty serious family emergency come up when we’d first started talking and he still found the time to express clear interest and plan a date. I think ultimately it comes down to if he’s interested you’ll know, if he’s not you’ll be confused.

Comments:

Agreed. Sending a message takes less than 5 minutes. Even when emergencies occur. I want that commitment in a man.

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Question:

I'm running into a problem where I'm talking to guys from OLD who check other criteria and seem to be HVM but most do want meet halfway, especially if we live on opposite sides of the city. I do live in Los Angeles, which is huge and very spread out, so.... I don't should I give it a pass and see if any other red flags come up?

I'm also thinking that for safety reasons, I'm not sure if I want to give strangers I met on an app my address.

Answer

If they like you enough they’ll come to you. Boyfriend drove 1.5 hours to see me consistently and sisters husband would drive 2 hours once she went back to college to see her.


Question:

If they suggest meeting in the middle, is there a good way to nudge them to come to me? Or is it better to block and move on?

Answer:

Personally I’d just block and move on

Question:

Can you please do a guide on the first message youd send (on something like bumble). Ill be grateful forever

Answer:
Hi lady! I didn’t use bumble because it’s against FDS standards. I only replied to men who initiated with me

Q:

Thanks for your reply. I understand. I dont ever like try to pursue them. But I really like being able to be the first person to message (its more on my terms). If you had to suggest a first message or first few conversation topics, what would you suggest.

I usually say hello, how are you doing cyz.

I also dont know how to talk about serious topics.. any help would be appreciated

A:

If you follow the items listed above it’ll help you weed through men so quickly it won’t matter he messaged first

I strongly advise against being on an app like bumble bc it discourages the man from taking initiative

Q:

Do you have examples of 3 Questions? They seemed important the way you mentioned they can be tough, but already you listed deal breakers separately. I'm curious

A:

Oh that was playful banter to make asking deal breaker style questions seem less like a true interview. We actually discussed our biggest childhood trauma on our first date. FDS says not to disclose trauma mine was funny and light hearted and not truly traumatic however it got boyfriend to disclose some deeper things in his history which gave me an idea of who he was.