8 types of LVM from How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

P

Princess

Administrator
Staff member
This is a summary of How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved. This is not an exhaustive list of dangerous men, and the types are not mutually exclusive, but it gives good examples of men who add a negative value to your life.

I also took notes on what type of women these men prefer according to the author. I don't think it needs to be an exact match, but it can be helpful. At the end of the day, dangerous men will go for any woman that works for them.

1- The clinger

  • Needs you so much he can't stand to be without you.
  • Guilts you into being with him and changing your plans for him.
  • Threatens to kill himself or "never date again" if you leave him.
  • Evokes pity from you to keep you in a relationship with him.
  • You try to boost him up so you can leave, but his self-esteem never gets better.
  • When you do what he asks, he stabilizes a bit, but then he needs even more.
How to spot him:

  • He is meek and mild.
  • He is socially awkward.
  • He has few friends and hobbies.
  • He doesn't seek promotions at work (people who started working after him are already past him or gone).
Who is at risk:

  • He seeks women who were recently hurt in a relationship because his victim-mentality makes him relate to them and because they are more likely to want to avoid hurting him.
  • He seeks sensitive women who don't want to be seen as rejecting or critical.
  • Women who "don't want to hurt his feelings".
Note: According to the book, a clinger has avoidant personality disorder, so that makes him also the fifth type of dangerous man, the mentally ill man. He might have additional mental disorders too, none of this is mutually exclusive!

2- The parental seeker

  • "My husband is my fourth child."
  • Needs directives to do things.
  • Wants you to make decisions for his life.
  • You have a power dynamic where he expects you to nudge him into doing things and he initially resists and you need to reassure him that it will be okay.
  • You worry about what will happen to him if you leave.
How to spot him:

  • He is "a kid at heart".
  • He has few friends and interests.
  • He doesn't help you do chores.
  • He stays in bed when he has the flu and wants you to pamper him.
Who is at risk:

  • Women who are nurturing.
  • Women who have "mommy issues".
  • Mothers.
  • Women who are controlling.
3- The unavailable man

  • He is either dating someone else OR he is so invested in his career/hobbies that he doesn't seriously consider a relationship.
How to spot him:

  • He initially seems like a well-rounded individual because of his hobbies.
  • He tells you his marriage is "on the rocks" or he is "just looking for fun".
  • He only talks about himself.
  • He sleeps around (his relationships stay shallow).
Who is at risk:

  • Women who have low self-esteem.
  • Women who have "daddy issues".
  • Women who are also emotionally unavailable.
Note: I think the uncomplicated unavailable man is the "fuckboi" who just doesn't seriously consider settling down with you, but there can be something else keeping him unavailable, like his addictions (type 6) or his secrets (type 4).

4- The man with the hidden life

  • He doesn't feel obligated to share the details of his life with you or others so he keeps some parts of his life to himself and sees nothing wrong with doing that.
  • At worst, he's hiding something dangerous.
  • Once he is done with you, he might disappear without a trace.
How to spot him:

  • He is "a private person".
  • He refuses to answer questions about his job, his past, his education, etc.
  • He has "started over".
Who is at risk:

  • Women who are trusting and don't want to seem impolite by not trusting him.
  • Women who are distracted.
  • Women who date casually.
5- The mentally ill man

  • He has a mental illness.
Examples from the book:

  • Bipolar man gets depressive when she tries to leave and tells her "if I lose you, then my life is nothing".
  • PTSD man has her life revolve around managing his stressors.
  • Borderline man is cold and distant one day, overly attached the next.
  • OCD man tells her about his fantasies involving her.
Who is at risk:

  • Women who work in caretaking.
  • Women who are tolerant and will be willing to look past abnormal behavior.
  • Women who like thrills (with a bipolar man).
  • Mentally ill women.
6- The addict

  • He is addicted to something: drugs, porn, sex, gambling, work, perfectionism, thrills, chaos, drama.
How to spot him:

  • He lies so he can use.
  • He promises to quit.
  • He is "X years sober".
Who is at risk:

  • Addicts.
  • Women who grew up around addicts.
  • Women who minimize their own needs.
  • Abuse victims who find the feeling of not having their needs met familiar.
7- The violent man

  • He uses physical, verbal, emotional or sexual violence against you.
How to spot him:

  • He is angry a lot.
  • He punches or kicks objects.
  • He gets into physical fights.
  • He likes violent movies.
Who is at risk:

  • Women who believe him when he says it's her fault, she deserves it, he had no choice, he didn't mean it, he will change, etc.
  • Women who can be bought by gifts.
  • Women with low self-esteem.
  • Women who have already dated abusive men (they are already "trained").
Note: The chapter lists other types of violence, but this really paints the portrait of a "wife-beater". He has "a short fuse" and the battered wife thinks he can change. He might only be violent when drunk (type 6) or has a mental illness (type 5).

8- The predator

  • He either wants to use you for something (money, sex, validation, purpose) OR WORSE, he wants to sexually abuse your kids.
How to spot him:

  • He listens more than he talks.
  • He shares your interests.
  • He wants to help you, or maybe he's the one who needs your help, or he's very charming and he "gets you" like no one else - he has some angle.
  • He sticks around after you turn him down under the guise of a "concerned friend".
  • If he is targeting your children, he might be a youth leader, pastor, coach, etc.
Who is at risk:

  • Vulnerable, needy, lonely women.
  • Naive women who think everyone is good.
  • Women who were taught to "give everyone a chance", "play with the less fortunate" and "see the best in everyone" (ex: women who correspond with prisoners).
Note: He is similar to the clinger (type 1) as they both manipulate vulnerable women, but the clinger doesn't attract women as easily so he's inexperienced and clingy, whereas the predator attracts women easily so he isn't needy.

Edit: formatting
 
P

Princess

Administrator
Staff member
I'd also add trying to separate you from your family/substituting their own. My abusive ex did this, and when I called him out on it, he said, without an ounce of self-awareness: "Well, your family makes me feel uncomfortable. I just can't relate to them as much." How do you think I feel about YOUR family, asshole?

Even if you don't always get along with your family (god knows I don't), RUN from a guy who tries to shoehorn you into his without any regards for your own.

Also, pretty sure you've mentioned this, but conscripted labor. Ie. pressuring you to do the dishes, provide childcare to other members of the family, pick up the slack of domestic responsibilities he neglects.

---
That is the very first step of abuse, isolating you.

Second step is getting on board with your dreams so that you think they are essential for your goals.

Third step taking your financial freedom away/binding you with lots of financial agreements.

After ensuring these three they will raise the temperature of abuse.

---
---
When they hardly acknowledge you because they know you’ll be gone in a week.

When they gush over you because they want their loser son off their hands / he’s embarrassing them in public and need you to wrangle him.
---


This ex-friend of mine ambushed me with one of these losers. We were having a good time at a cafe, then all if the sudden three people walk in and say hi to my friend. It was the loser, his sister and his brother-in-law. The sister hugged me and gushed. I was so embarrassed. She was acting like I was part of the family or some shit. The loser planted his ass down next to me. He was unemployed, by the way. He apparently saw my image on ex-friend's FACEBOOK page and whined about meeting me. The sister got all, "She'd be perfect for you" attitude like they were buying a dog. My ex-friend tried to set me up with an unattractive, jobless, loser. In the car going home she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know he looked like that." That was the last time I spoke with her.

--
Be careful of LVM who are mama's boy. They're very nice to their mothers (and other women related to them by blood) but they don't give a shit about other women (including their SOs). You'll have to respect his family members and not allowed to bad-mouth them yet they'll not treat your family members in the same way.

Some parents will spoil their sons and stand on their side regardless of how shitty they are. Not only may his parents be like that but his relatives may act like that too as "blood is thicker than water". They'll treat their own kin nicely yet not give a shit about your feelings (eg. organising expensive birthday parties/dinners for people related to them by blood and expecting you to attend them yet not even being bothered to buy a birthday present for you in all the years they've known you). Being married to a LVM with LV family members/relatives will make your life miserable.

A lot of people are LV. Even if that guy is a HVM you're compatible with, his family members may be LV people you're incompatible with. This is why marriages are difficult as you're not just marrying the guy, but you're marrying into his family. Not only do you need to be compatible with the guy, but you'll need to be compatible with his family too. This is particularly the case in collectivist culture where you are expected to respect anyone older than you or you live in the same vicinity as his parents/relatives so it's hard to avoid his family meetings/bumping into them.

Adding to what you've said, think twice before you marry a guy with relatives who like to meet up all the time. I'm Chinese and I've heard of families who want all of their relatives to meet up around once per week. Imagine how annoying this will be if you don't click with his relatives. Regardless of how HV the guy is, it's hard to avoid these family meetings forever if everyone else is attending them unless if you move to another country and never intend to return.

---

If he's a little bit crazy, his mom is going to be 100x crazier, and you're going to end up on the justnomil sub if you stay with him.

--

Don't forget there are women with a love-hate relationship with their son's SO. They like how their son has an SO, but they see you as "stealing his son's attention". These women often spoil their sons and want their sons and their SOs to regularly meet up with them or live with them after marriage. Go figure!

---
 
P

Princess

Administrator
Staff member
When they insult your family. An early sign they plan to isolate you from them. Same when he or his family act overly friendly to appear as the "better family of choice". Any form of comparison, explict or even implicit is fucking off limits!

When they insult your social status. Intersting enough this only happend to me from families who were in a lower social class than me. Treating you like Cindarella or like someone whos alliance with their son would bring THEM a bad reputation while it's the other way around. "Follow your heart" and shit while it feels that they only accept you when you choose hypergamy. You don't bring shame into their family, they are LV and.can't meet yoir standards so they try to bring you down a peg or two.

Especially conservative future in-laws might see you as their geriatric nurse who is supposed to care for them as they get older. They won't say it to your face though, at least at first. Warning signals are:

  • They casually talk about not going into old people's home when they get older in front of you, like when having coffee.
  • They make snarky remarks about your job/career/college or university education, try to give instill the feeling that it's too much for you/won't make you happy/not a good choice/you would miss out on something important in your life etc. It's because they have other plans for you: Wiping the shit off their asses. Literally.
  • They are racist. They expect to be cared for at their own house but are too xenophobic to let POC into it (or other people who appear "foreign", it's not limited to skin color as nationalism might play an additional role in this). They casually verbalize hate for POC at afternoon tea or whenever the see one, like when talking a walk. Fear mongering about "that n.gga" next door, treating them like criminals based on their skin color ("I saw him/her while looking throw my window and they gasp went to their car and drove away. They MUST have stolen it from OuR PeOpLe! They are too poor to afford it!") Those flashbacks ffs...
  • They are sexist. They expect you to be their geriatric nurse not their son. Throw you career away and then it's their son's job to bring home the money and you are free to be their slave. "He AlReAdY hAs A jOb. Do YoUr ShArE, PrInCeSs. UnGrAtEfUl! GOOOOlDDiGGer!!!!!"
  • Any implicit or explicit comparison between your two families. When you suddendly feel like they are the better family to you than your own it's time to bail. You are already being brainwashed. Yes, this also goes when you cone from an abusive family, especially then! I'm dead serious. Leave now, find a therapist and heal before dating again. This should be a level headed decision and you can't make it at the moment. When you discover (childhood) trauma/ childhood trauma intensifies during dating it's because someone is putting their fingers into your wounds. It's no coincide that you feel that way now. You are not "bittersweet happy", you are not "happy for him because he has chances I never had/he is being loved unlike me" - you mistake manipulation for compassion. No, the don't want to give you what your parents refused you. You are about to enter an abusive dynamic. Listen to your gut, achievements and bank account.
 
P

Princess

Administrator
Staff member
My ex husband is bipolar. I feel like there’s a lot of people out there who manage their mental illnesses well, but he’s not one of them, and as a result I just don’t want to date anyone with a mental illness anymore. I have been beaten to a pulp by that man. I’ve lived penniless because of that man. I’ve been humiliated and held down literally and figuratively because of that man, and his harassment made one of my ex boyfriends run away because despite the fact that we were separated, he couldn’t let go and would harass me during my dates.

---



I'm bipolar and I literally cannot fathom the thought of myself saying something like that to someone who wants to leave.

Putting mentally ill people on this list is fucked up. I didn't ask to be like this and I take care of myself. I'm not fucking "dangerous."

----
I’m proud of you and I think you’re a rockstar. You’re doing the right things and accepting your problems and being responsible for them (as everyone should do).

This gets put on the list because of women like my cousin’s ex wife, who controlled and manipulated him for decades and attempted suicide every time he wanted to leave. Until he got to the point he didn’t even care what she did, which was a very low and broken point for him to reach.

I grew up with two borderlines, a parent and a sibling, and my view of that was very low because of years of abuse. But I’ve made friends with a young woman with borderline who is killing it in every way. I admire her so much. So no, we can be cautious but we can’t lump everyone in together who has an issue.

We all have issues to some extent, and most of us get away with ignoring them.

---


But you're a woman with a mental illness, not a man, and that makes a world of difference. Let's start with the fact that women are taught and forced to take responsibility for their own mental health, and when they don't it is usually other women (not men) who take up the slack. I have seen mentally ill women manipulate others but it was always other women they tried to manipulate and get to care for them. Mothers manipulating daughters, friends manipulating female friends, etc.

Women are also much less likely to get away with being "damaged" or imperfect in any way in a relationship, and less likely to have excuses made for them by everyone in their lives. Women are also more likely to seek treatment and to keep seeking it even when the treatment isn't very good. We also don't have testosterone messing everything up. Our hormones are usually much less dangerous to others even when mixed with mental illness, though we are the ones called "hormonal".

--


Agreed, but with the exception of Poorly Managed Mental Illness. The men who refuse therapy or medication, who don't try to get better or don't even acknowledge that there's something wrong. That is low value, not having a mental illness to begin with.

I've dated LVM with mental illnesses and a HVM with mental illness. There is a lot of difference between them, mostly stemming from the drive to improve and manage their mental health.

--


I fully agree !! Having a mental illness / neuro-divergence doesn’t make you inherently undatable or low value.

I have 3 diagnoses I manage through therapy and the proper medication. I’ve been severely depressed and it caused a relationship to end and I would’ve never threatened to end my life.

Maybe the book is trying to say undiagnosed / unmanaged mental illness? Even then I think it shouldn’t be included at all and leads to some ableist rhetoric I don’t stand behind.

---


Compare it to saying blind people shouldn't drive cars. There's of course nothing wrong with having mental illness, but it is likely to negatively affect relationships. In particular, note:

5- The mentally ill man

Who is at risk:

Mentally ill women.

--


Yes, it's ableist, but I mean, all of these things, not just the mental illness, you could say it's "not the man's fault". You can make excuses for these men, feel bad for them, say you have to be tolerant of people's differences, stick by them as they go to therapy. The author recommends not doing that.

--


Yeah it’s ableist for sure. So I know I disagree with this author. I wouldn’t want someone to immediately discount me because of my mental illness, so I wouldn’t do that to anyone. And if having some human decency and respect for differences makes me a pickmeisha so be it.

--


Well I don't know if I represented her position well. She says this:

not everyone who is diagnosed with a mental illness commits acts that qualify them in this book as “dangerous.”
Click to expand...
But also this:

The main thing that makes mentally ill men dangerous is the fact that their problems are long-term. If your goal is to eventually find a life partner or even someone whose company you can enjoy for any length of time, why would a man who is mentally ill fit the bill for you? Why would a life of possible hospitalizations, crime, depression, manic episodes, medication, therapy, or instability at home and at work be appealing to you?
Click to expand...
And in all of her examples of men in therapy, the therapy didn't work.

--


Dating one type can make you more tolerant to others, and you can date progressively worse men, as if you get used to abnormal behavior and it no longer raises your red flags as it should.

If you've dated a clinger or a parental seeker, you might then not notice the red flags in men who have avoidant pd, dependent pd, paranoid pd, depression, anxiety, OCD or a mild-mannered bipolar.

If you've dated an unavailable man, predator, addict or violent man, you might not see what's wrong with a man who has antisocial pd, borderline pd, narcissistic pd, PTSD or a violent bipolar.

--


This is a really good point. I've dated a clinger/parental seeker/addict (he was all of them plus sprinklings of various other disorders), an unavailable and a predator. I'd like to think I'd see the signs early on now but I don't know - I still don't trust my own judgement.

Is there one on normal/high value men so I can spot that when I see it?! Legit don't know if I could tell the difference between healthy behavior and manipulative behavior. ☹

--


Dating LVM (as I have) really screws up your bullshit detector because of the gaslighting and abuse they put you through. If either of your own parents were these types, that further messed up your barometer of what "normal and appropriate" are from the get-go.

After four years of therapy, I'm getting much better at having boundaries around these types as well. It's amazing how well having boundaries weeds out the people who are looking to exploit you. It's like a superpower. I have mental illness as well, but I have to own my shit too. My current partner is struggling with PTSD and alcohol addiction. I told him "there is no way I'll let you move in with me and my kids if you don't get your drinking under control".

Shortly after I established that boundary, he went on a hiking/backpacking trip with friends where he forced himself to be sober for four days, and has significantly reduced his his drinking after he returned. He takes it seriously. He still has more work to do there, but he owns the problem, and I encourage him to keep at it. It's going to take a lot of work on his part to overcome the issue, and it needs to be consistent and sustained before I'll consider the issue "beaten". As for the PTSD, he doesn't expect me to tippee-toe around his triggers, and I call him out if his reactions to things seem out if wack with the situation, and he takes time to reflect and manage his own feelings.

Nobody is perfect, but how we deal with our problems is telling. Never let anyone put the burden of dealing with their problems on you. Not your burden, not your job. If they demonstrate a desire to better themselves, and actually DO THE WORK to be a worthwhile partner, that's one thing. But if they backslide into unacceptable behavior, do not tolerate that and be ready to walk.

You need to go in knowing what is unacceptable to you. You have to define what you value in a partner, and be unwilling to settle.

--

I dated a #8 for 3 months. I kept him at arms length because something was off and my intuition kept screaming at me. But I convinced myself I was being silly. Never again. Y'all, I didn't even know his real name! He gave me a fake last name because all of his domestic violence records were easily found once I had the real one. Massive bullet dodged.

-


Holy shit, as someone who has just broken up w/ my LVM of 1 year this really reinforced for me that he was a toxic partner. He doesn't specifically fall into any type, but has trait(s) from different types (except 3, 7 and 8). Thank you for posting this, it's been tough accepting i made the right decision (as due to past trauma i tend to blame myself for the way he treated me) but i really know i dodged a bullet with this one.
--

NOTE: This sub does NOT support the commercial porn industry, as it is an institution that promotes and normalizes sexual aggression, incest, pedophilia, violence, racism, degradation, low sexual satisfaction, and objectification of women and girls, many of whom have been drugged, raped, misled, trafficked and otherwise coerced to appear on film.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top